It's More Common Than You Might Think.

Roughly six years ago, give or take a year or two, I cheated on a girl I was dating. It tore me up. In fact, I could still argue to this day that I was more devastated than she was about it. It's simply not my nature to go behind my lover's back like that.

I've carried the shame and guilt of it most of my time since then. However, upon meeting certain people whom I now count among my friends, I've learned to let that pain go and replace it with new found knowledge of myself:

I am polyamorous.

What does that mean? In laymen's terms, I may choose to take more than one lover. To those who lack understanding, it would appear as I'm trying to be a playboy; unchivalrous and uncaring for the feelings of my partner(s). This is, of course, furthest from the truth.

Should I choose to pursue more than one relationship, the first thing I do is talk to my partner. In contrast to 'cheating', polyamorous relationships are based on the same foundations as any other; communication and trust. Details are worked out, boundaries established, anything and everything that a typical relationship develops is no different. And now more than ever before, people are admitting to being in or desiring "open" relationships.

Finally, this should never be confused with polygamy. If I one day decide to settle down and marry, it will be with one partner and one partner only. Whether the relationship remains open will be a matter of discussion between my spouse and I.

Delving Into the Past: Famine.06.05.2006.

      I haven't eaten for days. Daddy says that it's because it's the end of the world, but I think it's my fault. I got sick last week, but I didn't tell anyone. I just told my parents that I was tired. I went out to groom the horses, and they died the next day. Every animal I fed, groomed, or milked last week died. Daddy said that I should help with the crops since we don't have any more livestock, and then the plants died too.
      On the news they say that the plants and cows are dying everywhere, and they say that it started here. I went to town yesterday with daddy, and after talking to some people, I realized that it didn't just start start here, it started on our farm. I don't think anyone else has put it together, though.
      It's been almost a week now since we've had any food. The American Red Cross is supposed to come to town sometime next week, but it won't help. If every farm in America dies, where will they get their food? My younger brother is nearly unconscious. My older brother and sister and parents are barely able to walk. I had a baby brother too, but he died yesterday. I had to bury him because nobody else had the energy to do any kind of work. I'm so hungry, but for some reason, I'm able to work as well as if I'd eaten recently.
      There aren't any more chores, since there are no more animals to tend or dishes to wash. Instead, I just read a lot and watch some TV. Everyone on the news says it's the end of the world.
      Three weeks ago, California sank underwater because a new country off its coast blew it up. On the news, they say that the Director of the Department of Foreign Affairs wants Congress to declare war because of the attack.
      The Vice President was arrested last week for doing drugs in his office. The news says that they'll let him go, and some of the people involved in his investigation have been arrested for doing drugs too.
      There was a person arrested in New York for murder, but the police officers got into a wreck and killed four or five people, and they died too. The person they arrested disappeared.
      Over the past nine weeks, the news says, murder has increased in every state, more arrests for drug abuse have occurred almost everywhere, and we're about to go to war with a nation we've never even heard of. Now everyone is starving.
      I open my bible, and flip through some pages. I drop it, and the book lands on its spine. It opens itself to the book of Revelation, chapter six, so I just read from there. I read about the four horsemen. I read about the beast from the sea. I read about the signs of the times to come. I go to mommy and daddy's room to ask them a question about it, but they don't wake up.
      As I realize what's happened, I try to throw up, but I get nothing but dry heaves. I can't cry because I'm dehydrated. I call our preacher. He's used to fasting, so he's the only one I know that I can talk to.
      He comes to my house in his truck, and I tell him everything. To my disappointment, he only says that I've been possessed by a demon. The preacher grabs my head and begins to pray. At first I didn't mind, but then I started to get angry.
      How dare he make such a claim? How dare he accuse me of killing everyone on the farm? His hands start to burn my face. I yell over his voice for him to stop, but I don't hear my voice. I sound like an animal one who's scared and trapped in a corner.
      He gasps and clutches his chest, backing away from me. He trips and falls on his back, and visibly shrivels up. He writhes in pain, and his body passes through the stages of malnutrition within seconds, right before my eyes. He lets out a whimper and dies, and the truth dawns upon me.
      I am the Horseman of Famine.

Responsibility.

I haven't worked for three years. Prior to that, I'd worked sit-down jobs for about two years. I've been trying to get a job, of course, but nobody's been hiring. Suddenly, my family and I have to move, so we decide it's finally time to put down roots and buy a home, instead of renting. Our real estate agent hired a handyman to fix up our old place to make it fit for the market. And so I, in my infinite wisdom, hit him up for a job.


So here I am, 30 years old, with joints on their way out from misuse, and at least six years out of shape, working in one of the most physically strenuous vocations available.


BUT! I had faith in myself (along with what felt like a gazillion years of pent-up energy after waking from a sixteen-hour sleep).


How I felt the first couple of days:

But it probably looked more like this:

By the end of the week, it was more or less like this:

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about my job. On the contrary; I love it. The problem is that I was burning the wick at both ends, between going full steam into a vocation I wasn't prepared for, combined with hauling everything from my old house to my new one. I've got several physical ailments that could prove dangerous if I don't take care to allow them time to heal. My boss and I discussed the situation and resolved it, so I won't have to worry about losing my newly acquired job any time soon.

Either way, I wish I didn't have to grow up so soon.