I feel like I've jumped into the deep end of a pool without knowing how to swim. For years, the only social contact I've had were my family, and a handful of people that I've never seen face-to-face, but would play games on the internet with on a quasi-regular basis. Now that I've had a steady job for over a year, I'm starting to rebuild my social skills, and I've even begun to go out and engage in a fairly active social life. But now I'm starting to feel like I'm drowning.
So far, my interactions with people have been overwhelmingly positive, however fleeting. There are a few people I see regularly at bars, both patrons and employees alike. I don't keep in touch regularly with many of them. I've tried changing that with a few people, but now I'm starting to feel like I'm spread too thin.
The effort I'm making to stay in touch with certain people is exhausting me. Because my social skills are still underdeveloped at best, I'm having a hard time figuring out whether the energy and time I'm investing is yielding any returns. All I really have at this point are questions.
At what point is the frequency of my texting or messaging too much? Am I not keeping in touch often enough? Do I appear overly attached, or barely interested? Why does it seem like I can barely get more than a few words out of someone over the phone, but we can talk all night at the bar?
If I'm feeling a connection with someone that's so strong it's tangible, how do I even broach that subject without dropping a bomb on them? How can I even let them know that I'm in no rush for anything, whether earth-shattering or laid back, if I can't seem to hold their attention for more than a minute?
This last week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I'll get really good vibes from my friends one minute, then the moment I'm out of sight, it feels like I'm out of mind as well. I've never been successful with letting things just blossom on their own, and letting people know where I stand with them has always shown positive results. This time around, though, I can't seem to find that moment when it would be appropriate to have such a conversation. It almost physically hurts.
Maybe this vacation wasn't such a good idea. I feel like I'm going to be spending a lot of time in my own head.
